THE DORK KNIGHT RETURNS.

Well, I've returned. Its been just about a month since my last article and a lot happened since then. I moved out, filed my taxes, got ZOMBIELAND and GHOSTBUSTERS on bluray, and made tacos. And then for a long time, nothing happened. BUT, there were a few notable things that happened that I'd like to share with you, and here they are;







NERDS IN PARADISE

If you know me then you know I love video games, LOVE video games. I'm kind of an event guy when it comes to games, if theres any high profile game coming out soon im involuntarily attracted to it. So theres a game called BIOSHOCK 2 that just came out, and I could not wait to play it. I loved the original BIOSHOCK and have been waiting patiently to acquire the new one. It was about 1 week away from the day it was scheduled to come out and my brother and I went to a SHMAME SHTOP to pick up a game. As I walked in I saw a promo poster for a BIOSHOCK 2 midnight release and I got excited. I'm a huge fan promotional events for releases or store openings, and useless free swag. Over the years I've attended 'Free Comic Book Day', opening day to THE PHANTOM MENACE, Gay Pride Festival, a grand opening to a MaxIt pawn shop, and plenty of parking lot events with bungie launchers and free mountain dew sponsored by radio stations. SO if I could get the game as early as possible AND possibly get free stuff, I was gonna show up. I walked over to the only person working at the game store, who happened to be a girl. A nerd girl. This girl had Nintendo tattoos all over and looked like she knew a lot about games, so naturally I let down my nerd shield and walked over to her to ask about the midnight release.

Think this, but EVERYWHERE.

SO I walk to the counter as shes ringing somebody up and answering some other nerd's question and I ask, "What's going to happen at the BIOSHOCK midnight release?". Without even looking up she says, "I don't really know..." and makes the most disgusted face. I let my nerd guard down for a girl who I thought had my back, but instead says "Hmm, I dont know, you fuuuckin nerd, you get the game then go home and ignore your girlfriend?". She didnt say that but pretty much. I hope I didnt offend her in some way by acknowledging that she worked at a video game store and asking her a question. Would've been nice if a dude had been working there to warn me that this game chick was hardcore. Oh well, I learned my lesson; no matter how convincing they may be, NEVER let your nerd guard down for any girl. Even girls who watch Heroes and play Halo. Because when you tell them you still haven't "Caught them all", or explain how SPIDER-MAN 3 was shit, or sing along to a Weird Al song and they give you that blank yet terrified look like youre gonna ask them for help loading a couch in your van then trap them in, you'll regret it, and your first edition Charizard card can't rescue from that shit. Keep your inner nerd where it belongs, tucked deeply away, like that Ruy headband I got for free with Street Fighter IV, and only revealed to those who understand. And if you see that girl at the game store who hates men, or possibly just non-Nintendo games, tell her I plan on getting a new tattoo myself...

I GET THAT A LOT

Recently I discovered that I lived next to a certain bar that has sand in it. My friends and I had been visiting this bar for a few weeks now and decided to go back one weekend. It was Me, Sabrina, Jeepsus, Nick the Ginger, and The Spear. We went to this bar with sand, and everything was going hunky dory, we were talking, drinking, people were spilling things, all was going well. Then the girls at the bar decided to take pictures in front of our table, and Jeepsus decided to photobomb them. For those who dont know, Photobombing is the art of sticking your face, dick , or leg into the background of some unsuspecting bastard's photo as they are taking it, thus bombing the photo. So Jeepsus stuck his face in the background of some dude and drunk chick taking pictures and this chick thinks its HILARIOUS. And she begins talking to Jeepsus, probably about how funny he is, so he talks to this chick for a while. Meanwhile myself, Sabrina, Nick the Ginger, and The Spear are all just kicking it at the table, waiting for Jeepsus to either get this girl to dance or make fun of her and so far neither has happened yet. Then it happens. This girl looks at our party, looks straight at me, POINTS, and says "RAYYY!!!". Of course refering to Ray Romano and my supposed likeness to him. Things almost got Snooki.

An example of things getting all "Snooki".

Don't know what getting "Snooki" means? Don't watch Jersey Shore? Me neither, so here is a different translation I think most of you will understand.

Yeah that's it. That's the image. THAT played in my brain at that moment. I have never wanted to punch a girl so bad in my life (that week). Not to say that punching a girl is ok, It's NOT. But punching a BEAST, thats a different story. I picked those two pictures for a reason, the ONLY difference between them is the background and the direction of the punches. The creature being punched remains unchanged. But worry not huckleberries, I didn't punch anybody that night. I wouldn't have even been that mad if she hadn't laughed like she had just seen Oprah Winfrey backflip onto a group of midgets painted like M&Ms, which she DID. As mad as I was, I couldnt stay mad. Because I was simply the victim of instant Karma. EXTREMELY instant Karma, almost Drive-Thru Karma. I'll Explain.

Earlier that night I had seen a dude who looked JUST like that guy on SUPERBAD who goes to some party to use the phone then gets his ass kicked. And I told EVERYBODY. I made it my mission to soft shoe around everybody at my table and alert them AT LEAST twice about the dude from SUPERBAD who was at our very own bar with sand in it. I may or may not or may have also sneaked a picture of him to prove to my friends that he existed. So when I remembered all that, it was impossible for me to stay mad at drunk girl because I had just done the same thing that very night. And I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it, she was drunk and excited, and possibly high. But still, I'll always remember that night as the night I almost successfully Hadukened for the first time in human history, at the bar with sand.

Until next time...

500 Days Of Spider-Man

It started like this; Sam Raimi, the director of the first 2 SPIDER-MAN movies, was given the chance to direct SPIDER-MAN 3, logically. So he accepted, and wanted the villains to be Sandman and Hobgoblin. Well Sony, the studio who owns SPIDER-MAN wanted the main villain to be VENOM, kind like the rest of the fans. Raimi protested, and admitted that he was not a fan of Venom as a villain and did not think he could properly translate him to film. Sony didn't care. So against his will Raimi worked VENOM/Eddie Brock into the story, while still keeping his own two villains in tact. Well this imposed a struggle upon Raimi, trying to make a film that he wanted to make, and at the same time keep it from becoming a movie he DID NOT want to make. Well, we got SPIDER-MAN 3. Due to the strong negative opinions of fans, Raimi decided to never put himself in that situation again. That he would only make a movie if his whole heart was in it, and not battle with the studio and producers to keep his film from becoming somebody elses.

Well Sony wanted to make SPIDER-MAN 4, and offered Sam Raimi the job. Rami agreed, seeing this as an opportunity to make a new SM movie that can make up for what he did in SM3. Then Sony played the same crap and had all these provisions Raimi had to follow in order to make the movie, and Raimi quit. And so did Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, and everybody else that was involved with the film.

Sony made the quick decision to rewrite the already written script into a 'reboot' of the franchise and hire an all new cast and crew to start SPIDER-MAN fresh. And today Mark Webb, director of this summer's surprise success 500 DAYS OF SUMMER, signed on to direct THE NEXT 3 SPIDER-MAN MOVIES. Is this good? Is this bad? A little of both, but for now, I'm leaning on the good. Although I personally didn't enjoy 500 DOS as much as everybody else, but it had solid direction. Visually it was very impressive, even marvelous they way everything looked and how certain scenes were handled. Webb has a way of bringing out those 'odd' emotions that aren't as standard as 'happy' and 'sad'. But at the same time, the man has little to no experience with action scenes, and some of the most amazing action scenes came from the Spider-Man movies.

It's rumored (and assumed) that Sony is going with a 'Batman Begins' style reboot. Hopefully that DOESNT mean that it will be a real world, gritty, serious drama and instead means that they develop the characters and then reveal the superhero half way during the movie. Whether we get a good or bad movie, we will definitely get a fresh Spider-Man movie under a talented up and coming director, and a superhero movie that I can't wait to see.

In Case You Missed It: ED WOOD

TIM BURTON.  The man behind BEETLEJUICE, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, and BATMAN, to name a few, made a movie in 1994 called ED WOOD about a man named Edward D. Wood Jr..  Most people have never heard of the movie because they never heard of the man.  Well, Ed Wood was a director who made some of the worst movies of all time.  How can they be that bad?  Go on YOUTUBE and search 'PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE' and you find out.

The movie ED WOOD focuses on Wood as he makes his first movie, GLEN OR GLENDA and eventually makes his most famous film, PLAN 9.  The movie stars Johnny Depp and Martin Landau.  Lets start there.

Johnny Depp stars as Ed Wood, a man who is doing odd jobs to make a living in hopes to one day live his dream and become a film director.  Martin Landau stars as infamous actor Bela Lugosi, who you know as DRACULA.

Ed Wood, like many of us, has one person that he considers his hero.  One person that he idolizes.  That person is Orson Welles.  Welles is one of the greatest directors of all time, and changed movies forever when he made CITIZEN KANE in 1941.  Welles was 26 years old.  At the time of the movie Ed Wood is just over 30, and hasn't made a movie yet.  By chance and good luck, Wood gets to direct a cheap B movie for a sleazy studio and it sets Wood on his path of movie directing.  Johnny Depp plays Wood as a very eager, optimistic man who talks like he knows what to do,  but hasn't a clue.  Wood simply doesn't have talent, but somehow can talk his way into getting big actors and big budgets to get the ball rolling on each new film he conjures.  No matter how absurd the plot (and titles) of his films, they get made, and released.  He even befriends and directs Bela Lugosi, who's role as DRACULA cemented his fame as Hollywood gold forever.   Wood also has a very peculiar personality trait that is at the center of the film that I wont discuss because it takes away from the experience,  but when you see it, you'll know what it is.

Just as much as this movie is about Ed Wood, its about Bela Lugosi.  Well, the final years of Bela Lugosi.  When Wood meets Lugosi, he is living in a small home in California and all but done making movies, mostly because nobody will hire him.  Wood, incessantly amazed by Lugosi and his acting, gives him roles in his films which makes Lugosi rediscover his confidence and talent.  Martin Landau got an Oscar for this film and he deserved it.  If you didn't know before seeing the movie that this was Landau, you would have never known.  He perfectly captures all of Lugosi's mannerisms and speech patterns to become him in this film, but never makes him a 'character', he portrays him as the man he was.  Even if it seems slightly odd, thats the man Lugosi was.  I honestly think that you will feel more for Bela Lugosi than Ed Wood in this movie, and thats not a bad thing.

This movie looks like it was filmed in the 1960s.  All the lighting, sets, costumes, and music have the feeling like it was filmed during the time of the movie, the lighting especially in Bela Lugosi's house looks like he lives in a 1960's horror movie.  Yet somehow it looks and feels like a Burton movie.  That's maybe due to Tim Burton ALREADY having movies that look like they're from another time, at least this one is the most practical.  In its own weird way, ED WOOD is about living your dream no matter how strange or impractical.  Following in the footsteps of his idol Ed Wood makes movies that he created and he makes them his own way.  Despite having little to no talent, struggling to find money and actors, and ultimately creating laughably bad movies, he did exactly what he wanted to and he was happy with that.  ED WOOD shows you that one way or another, you can never give up living your dream.

TRAILERS: CLASH OF THE TITANS; KICK-ASS; AVATAR

CLASH OF THE TITANS; IGN.COM

This is an remake of a classic stop-motion/live-action movie by Ray Harryhausen.  Usually when movies like this, that are remakes of classics, only bad news follows.  But when actors like Sam Worthington (the only good part of Terminator Salvation) and Liam Neeson (whos occupations include Jedi, Darkman, Batman mentor, and lion.  To name a few.) are set to star, then THIS trailer comes out, something good is bound to come of it.  In the short trailer you see a great deal of special effects and don't really get to know so much about the story, but what do you really need to know?  Sam Worthington fights Greek gods, and epic doses of awesome occur, thats it.  Maybe I just have a weak spot for Greek Mythology, but by the looks of this early trailer, people should really dig this movie.

KICK-ASS; TRAILERADDICT.COM

A comic-book based movie, believe it or not.  Kick-Ass looks kinda like a cross between GHOST WORLD and WATCHMEN, in terms of style anyway.  Hopefully people won't be too 

worn out by superhero movies yet because this movie looks like a breath of fresh air.  Half comedy/half violence KICK-ASS shows what it's like when people decide to become superheroes in the real world, with no powers but (seemingly) real villains. Our hero looks battered and bloody as he receives beatings as equal as he gives them, maybe signaling that this movie will be more on the 'real world' side of being a faux crime fighter.

AVATAR; APPLE.COM

THIS IS the trailer you need to see if you don't have any desire to see this film, because afterwards you will.  This trailer offers more about the plot within AVATAR's much hyped special effects, which as I said before is at its core "Pocahontas In Space".  And also you get to see some James Cameron trademarks that make its way into this film; a strong female soldier (actually 2 this time), a corporation bent on its own self survival, a conflicted main character, and of course, a relationship that probably shouldn't be going on.

Most of the hype around this movie has been contained within the internet, where it almost always is, and the commercials on TV are specifically made for audiences (TV ads during last weeks football games only had war scenes in them, ads during prime-time shows had more romantic scenes) to showcase that this film will have something for everyone.  Im gonna go with the TV ads on this one, by the looks of this trailer the movie can be enjoyed on a lot of levels.  Will it be the greatest movie event ever?  Probably not, but who cares.  This is still a movie to be excited for, and the last big movie event of the year.  ILL be there at IMAX on opening weekend.

The Last Man On Earth (To Get Netflix)

WOAH. Sorry for the delay. First let me explain, I finally got NETFLIX and I have it streaming to my PS3, and it's AWESOME. I know I'm probably the last person in civilization to get it, but it wont stop me from singing it's praises. That all ties into this because now I'll have more old movie reviews written quicker, which by the way im changing the article title from "Movies You Haven't Seen" to "In Case You Missed It", it just sounds nicer.

Also, I've been working on a writing project that I will post on this blog VERY soon, I'm just making final edits and trying to think of an appropriate title. Once all that's done, it'll be posted right here for all to enjoy, at which time I'll fully explain what it is exactly. So, thanks to all my readers for being patient and checking the blog for new updates while I've been away from it working on stuff. It always makes me feel good when someone tells me that they enjoyed something that I've written, or when someone reminds me to update with a new article. Updates are coming, for serious this time.

NEW REVIEWS!

HELLO, this weekend I was able to see 4 different movies in 3 different days (I'm counting the Toy Story double feature as 2 different movies). So check out the reviews below and let me know if you agree or disagree, I wrote full reviews for PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and ZOMBIELAND that you can read in the articles below, but here I'll write a mini-review of TS1&2 because I'm almost positive EVERYBODY has already seen them both...

TOY STORY DOUBLE FEATURE in 3D. A QUICK REVIEW.

A double feature in 3D that shouldn't be missed. These movies are great because it is the epitome of the Disney film, it makes you feel like a kid again. The 3D isn't anything groundbreaking, although it does add an interesting depth of field and really puts all the characters into perspective as toys in a giant environment. Also seeing both movies back to back, there is a very noticeable difference in the CG in the movie, TS2 looks much more real by adding imperfections to all the toy characters, be it dirt stains, fading paint, or pinstripe hair lines they all add to the realism of what children's toys actually look like. If you can stand wearing 3D glasses and sitting next to 150 kids for almost 3 hours, this is definitely a excellent chance to rediscover 2 movies you forgot you enjoyed so much.

ZOMBIELAND, A REVIEW.

ZOMBIELAND is an odd mix of film that surprisingly works. When its funny, its FUNNY, when its scary, ITS GRUESOME. The story follows a group of people wandering in a world that is infested by zombies somehow. What's good is that the story doesn't waste time trying to explain HOW all this came about, it instead uses that time to show how the characters have adapted to this new zombie world. Because really when the first 4 minutes of the movie show a woman getting attacked by zombies and being launched from her car, smashing her face on the pavement and scraping across 8 feet of asphalt, you dont really care about the reasoning behind it.

The plot of the movie is kinda thin, the real reason for watching this movie is the characters. Each character offers up their own solutions for dealing with life in ZOMBIELAND, and thats where the story comes from. The characters are far more interesting and funny than the actual storyline ever could be. We find out what each person lost, and what each person is looking for, and thats the real story here, not the semi-road trip plot that the movie almost goes into.

Also there is an absolutely fantastic, hilarious, and geektastic surprise in the movie that I will not say anything more about other than that. If you see this movie knowing more than that, when it happens, you will be angry with yourself if you knew about it beforehand. And trust me, when it happens you'll know exactly what im talking about.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, A REVIEW.

When I saw the trailer for this movie a few weeks ago, I though I had a good idea about what I was going to see in the theater. I was wrong. In a rare move (I hope movie studios take note of this) the trailer DOESN'T give away every single scene in the movie, and for a horror movie like this it's best to know as little as possible before watching.

Now I won't get too much into the story, but it's the story of a couple that experiences strange happenings in their home so they decide to buy a video camera and record the goings on in their home while they sleep. Then things get weird.

The real thrill comes from the suspense. Each night that the couple records their home, the suspense and anxiety increases exponentially until the final act, which is so unsettling and horrific it'll disturb you long after the movie is over. The scares in this movie target your mind more than anything you have recently seen. This movie really works with the fundamental fears that everybody has; the unknown. Because you NEVER know what you're seeing, or what you might see, or what you THOUGHT you saw when you watch this movie. I have always wanted to see a movie that proves that what you see is never HALF as scary as what you don't. And I finally saw that movie.

This movie gets a wider release this weekend so if you are a fan of horror movies YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE. You might even see me there checking out again, I won't be any less scared even though I've already seen it. Thats how effective it is.

MARK MY WORDS, VOL. III

It's been a little over a year since THE DARK KNIGHT came out in theaters, and since then people have been praising Heath Ledger for his role as The Joker. And since the movie opened many people are wondering what's going to happen in the next BATMAN movie regarding the Joker. Personally I think, the way TDK ended and the way Batman and Joker were matched so perfectly, that it would be just unacceptable to have the Joker left out of the next movie. They will likely explain his absence in a quick explanation, or just leave him out of the movie without any mention whatsoever (like Nightcrawler in X-Men 3), but either way they WILL not show him on screen. Unless what I predict comes true; one of these two actors will be cast as the JOKER in the next BATMAN MOVIE. I'll explain...

MICHAEL SHANNON

Michael Shannon was actually lost an Oscar to Heath Ledger, but it was a very close call in my opinion. Michael Shannon was nominated for his portrayal in a movie called REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, and the entire time I was watching it, I was waiting for his character to come back on the screen. In a way, his character was the "Joker" in his own movie. He was the only character who didn't lie about the kind of person he was and was not afraid to show his true self no matter how disturbing.

WHY HE'LL GET THE PART: Oscar Nomination. It's a lock that he will no doubt knock it out of the park with his performance, you only need to see REVOLUTIONARY ROAD once to agree with me. And with many film and stage credits to his name, he's got plenty of range to pull off many different faces.

WHY HE WONT GET THE PART: TDK director Christopher Nolan, for the most part, seems to like to cast people he's worked with before, which brings me to...

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Yup, Mr. ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD himself. G-L has been on the rise lately, starring in two movies this summer, one that you maybe have seen (GI JOE), and one you maybe should have seen instead (500 DAYS OF SUMMER). G-L has been trying to spread his acting wings in past films with roles in BRICK, and STOP-LOSS, but he has yet to have one defining, career making, breakthrough performance. Next summer you will be able to seem him (in some way) in Christopher Nolan's INCEPTION that nobody seems to know anything about, but seeing as how everybody that has a role in any Nolan movie ends up getting critical acclaim for their performances, this could be G-Ls home-run.

WHY HE'LL GET THE PART: Nolan will most likely want to work with previous cast members, and if anybody can pull a great acting job out of anybody, its Nolan. And though not the same build as Ledger, he's got the facial resemblance. Just look at that picture, its almost at a creepy, chill inducing level the way he reminds you of Ledger.

WHY HE WONT GET THE PART: Again, though a good actor, G-L has yet to prove himself as an outstanding actor in a breakthrough role. And there is a chance that he doesn't exactly 'wow' Nolan enough to keep him for a new project.

WHO GETS THE PART?:

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Again, though not GREAT, he has the potential. And I think that Nolan is the man who can make him great. I can easily see Nolan casting JG-L for the role of Joker only to keep his presence in the franchise and not dismiss such a vital and iconic character. I can see the role/screentime of the Joker slimmed down considerably for the next Batman movie though, only providing closure to the open ending of TDK, I don't see him being more present than that, it might be subject to much protest if a non-Ledger Joker is on screen for too long.

So there's my prediction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the Joker in BATMAN 3. Mark my words.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY TRAILER.

A while back in my apartment, we had some trouble with strange occurrences. Our lamp would just turn off and on whenever it felt like it. One night our bathroom cabinet under our sink opened and slammed itself shut. My girlfriend heard knocking on the bathroom door while she was in the shower, and nobody was in the room. Lots of weird stuff. Well one night my girlfriend made the suggestion that we put salt on the countertops and set up a video camera while we slept, in hopes to capture any mischievous entities that may or may not have been visiting us throughout the night. I had no desire to do such a thing. I pussed out. I would never have agreed to film, much less WATCH, such a thing, strictly because I would be too terrified at what I would have seen.

Well somebody else did it and made a movie out of it. And it looks great. And I'm sure they're going to make an obscene amount of money. If only my girlfriend would have told me that it would have been a great idea for a MOVIE, instead of an experimental thing, I'm sure I would be rich now. Better luck next time, I guess.

Anyway heres the link to the trailer, check it out if you're a fan of scary movies. This movie looks like its gonna offer LOTS more than just jump scares, looks like something genuinely terrifying and disturbing. I was scared all night after just watching the TRAILER, imagine how bad it'll be when I'm able to watch the whole thing.

paranormalmovie.com/trailer.html Go there and 'DEMAND IT' to get the movie to play here in Tempe/Phoenix, cause right now its only playing in Tucson.

RETURNS. AGAIN.

HELLO, AND SORRY. It's been quite a while since I've written an article, but I had some major life hurdles to hurdle over, and hurdle I have. So I will work hard to attribute much more entries into my blog of ever-expanding topics, for your enjoyment and mine. I am working on a few articles as I write this post so keep an eye out for those in the coming weeks, in the mean time heres a quick recap of things I didnt get to write about during my absence; --QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS; 500 DAYS OF SUMMER -Didn't float my boat; GI JOE -Cobra Commander and Snake Eyes were the best parts of the movie; DISTRICT 9 -INCREDIBLE; UP-Pixar's most real, mature movie yet, and maybe the best. --Frequent visits to comsumerist.com will help you every time, trust me... --Office pranks are HILARIOUS! All you need is glue, coins, access to google, and some poor sucker's passwords... --JAMES CAMERON'S AVATAR movie trailer didnt rock. It's bad news if your movie's money shot is a space lion. --CHRISTOPHER NOLAN'S INCEPTION movie trailer DID rock. --I really dig the new TOY STORY 3 teaser poster. Instead of putting all the characters in the poster with a sunny background, its just a giant stylized '3' behind a black background and the tagline "NO TOY GETS LEFT BEHIND". PIXAR is doing the right thing by marketing this thing towards an older audience, because most of the kids who saw the first two movies are pretty much grown up now. Hell, I was like 9 when the first movie came out. I'll be back soon with some new trailer reviews...

This is everybodys fault but mine.

I have a video rental card that allows me to rent videos. I don't subscribe to online movie renting sites because I'm waiting until I buy an XBOX, or until it comes to PS3 so I can just stream movies, so until then I'm just going to drive around town looking for DVD copies of movies nobody carries.

Anyways, I got a letter in the mail from my video renting place a few months ago, but it wasn't the usual ads or coupons that get sent to everybody, this was a pretty official looking letter. So I opened it. Right away I noticed the date it was sent, then I noticed the date that it actually was at that time. Somebody at my house got this letter 2 weeks earlier and never told me about it. That's fine, I wasn't that bothered, I got over it. Next I noticed the reason for the letter, a late fee notice. Ok that's cool, maybe I turned in some movies late and forgot about it.

Then I noticed the actual late fee: $265.93.

Then I noticed the titles of the movies. RUSH HOUR 3, WALL-E, and KUNG FU PANDA. I didn't rent these. But then I remembered that my sister was sick about a month before and I let her borrow my video rental card, and that I had found the movies at the house and returned them, OUT OF FEAR THAT THEY WOULD BE LATE. There must have been some mistake. I turned those movies in late, but not 4 weeks late. So I called up Bollywood Video (not the actual name, I changed it for legal reasons), and a girl picks up the phone and I explain my situation and ask if there is any way the fees can be reversed. Not only does she tell me that the fees cannot be reversed because there is no error on their part, but also that the titles in question have YET TO BE TURNED IN. So my late fees are racking up as I speak. So I say "Well, I'm PRETTY positive that I turned those movies in, could you double check?", the girl double checks and says, "Those titles have not yet been checked in and I've looked in all the night drop bins, my manager comes in tomorrow you can call back then and he might be able to help you", then I say, slyly, "Ok thanks, because I'm PRETTY POSITIVE, I turned those movies in". So as I have my phone conversation with the girl from Bollywood Video, my girlfriend, my sister, and my mom are all present to hear it all. My mom asks me what was going on. I told her "I'm pretty sure I turned in these movies but Bollywood Video is charging me for them", and my mom says "What movies?", I tell her the movies, my mom opens up our DVD drawer in the wall unit and says "Are they these?".

And much to my embarrassment, she pulls out RUSH HOUR, WALL-E, and KUNG FU PANDA.

Somebody was cleaning and mixed the BOLLYWOOD VIDEO LABELED DVDs in with our personal DVD collection. And didn't tell anybody. Way to go Family, way to go. Way to make me severely embarrass myself in front of Bollywood Video. This was everybodys fault but mine. I yelled at everybody and made my mom take my sister to return the movies that day, and I didn't call the manager the next day. I didn't call anybody back ever. In fact I've never set foot inside that particular Bollywood Video since that day. And I'm not sure that I will. Until they call me and apologize for letting my 13 year old sister rent movies under my name. At which time, I'll think about it.

Ill make an exception with this one.

I can't say that I am a fan of remakes.  But that doesnt mean that I don't enjoy them.  There are certain films that I don't think need to be remade, but there are others that I wouldnt mind watching.  Starting around 2002 many classic horror movies were starting to get remade.  Some of the movies remade were The Hills Have Eyes, Halloween, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  PLATINUM DUNES is the production company that is behind most of these remakes, Texas Chain Saw Massacare, The Amityville Horror, The Hitcher, Friday the 13th, and now A Nightmare On Elm Street.

Now I havent seen all of these remakes, I thought The Amyityville Horror was genuinely scary, I wanted to see the new Friday the 13th just to see how different it was but I never did, The Hills Have Eyes freaked the hell out of me, but overall these movies did not have lasting appeal.  The horror and fear I felt, didnt last once the movie was over for me, and to me that's not very effective.  Sure there were great jump scares, frightening images, but once the movie was over I felt safe.  To me having a classic horror movie, is having something that holds you in its terror long after the movie is over, and you never really feel safe from the threat from the film.  But in a fun way.

The first time I saw the original Nightmare On Elm Street I think I was 19.  And it couldn't have been more terrifying if I had seen it when I was 6, 9, or 15.  What made this movie truly scary and effective for me was the villain Freddy Krueger and how he attacked his victims in their dreams, and the victims never really knew if they were awake or dreaming.  And that ending, after all the deaths, after all the fighting, after all the claws, fire, and blood Freddy was defeated.  Seemingly...  Until the main character wakes up and finds out, she's still dreaming, and still at the hands of Freddy Kreuger.  Classic.

About a year ago the announcement was made by Platinum Dunes that Elm Street was being remade.  Bad news.  Somewhat.  Freddy had become more comical and less frightening in more recent Elm Street movies, so restarting the entire franchise didnt seem like such a bad idea.  Then the announcement was made that the first and only actor to play Freddy Krueger, Robert Englund, would not be returning as Freddy.  Not good.  Right?  THEN it was announced that Jackie Earle Haley, who famously played Rorschach in WATCHMEN would be playing Freddy and cinematical shorts get tight everywhere.  This has by far been the best decision made by any horror movie remake ever.  Freddy is one of the few modern horror villains that speaks regularly, has an interesting and dimensional origin, and has a motive.  If this new movie can keep all those things going, and Haley knocks this one out of the park like he did with Rorschach, we could have a new horror classic.  And one that will be keep you scared everytime you go to sleep, like the first movie did.  Count me in on the Elm Street remake.  Count me in on the midnight screening.

Anyway the movie comes out next April but the teaser poster was unveiled today, and it's all at once familiar and fresh.  Check it out HERE at IGN.com.  It looks like they are going to rely on more than just jump scares and shrieking violins, and are going for genuine terror on this one.  Also, there might be some more images or maybe even some footage shown this weekend at San Diego Comic-Con, so keep your eyes peeled.  Or if not, I'm sure ill post links here.

On the evening of the WATCHMEN release...

WATCHMEN arrives on bluray and DVD tomorrow and I can't wait to get a copy.  It's gonna be a great day tomorrow, a great time wasting day.  SO until I can watch the new director's cut and offer my opinion, here are some things that have been on my mind;

EASTBOUND & DOWN is now on DVD and if you havent watched the show, YOU HAVE TO.  BUY the DVD if you can.  If you can't, buy a knife, and steal it.  It's that great of a show.  If you are a fan of Talladega Nights, Pineapple Express, or The Foot Fist Way, this is a must watch show.  Even if the first season is only about 7 episodes long, its worth every penny to hear Kenny Powers say 'I made sex to her', and 'On the reg'.

ANDY SAMBERG'S 'MOTHERLOVERS' AND FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS' 'CAROL BROWN' BOTH NOMINATED FOR EMMYS and if Andy Samberg wins over FOTC, I will lose faith in man.  There is NO way that FOTC cannot win this.  CAROL BROWN, and the episode it comes from, were the best of the second season, and Andy Samberg is...well Andy Samberg.  I had the pleasure of seeing FOTC live a few months ago and I can easily say its been the most entertaining show I have ever been to.  They just need the cred they deserve.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AS BLACK WIDOW PICTURES are now online and just as I thought, ridiculous.  She looks like an awkward chubby teenager in a bad costume, add that to an actress that can't act, and we have bad news coming.  Everything about Iron Man 2 looked great until I heard she was going to be Black Widow, then the pictures came and it got worse.  I just hope she only shows up for 15 minutes of the movie, or at least all her scenes are in the dark.

'LET THE RIGHT ONE IN' UNNECESSARILY REMADE FOR U.S. THEATERS.  If you read my reviews, you'll know about a movie called LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, a Polish film about a young boy who befriends a young girl who turns out to be a vampire.  Now, me being a fan for (real, geek) vampires (not TWILIGHT, trendy, false vampires who make up their own rules) and zombies/undead in any movie, I enjoyed it very much.  Seeing as how the movie was great as it was, someone decided to make an Americanized remake, probably because they would rather spend money to make a new version in English with hip American names and corny Alt-Rock music cued juuuuuuuust right, instead of having people read subtitles.  The director of CLOVERFIELD will direct the new version re-titled "Let Me In".  I got no problems with the guy, I enjoyed CLOVERFIELD very much, but at the end of the day CLOVERFIELD was a monster movie.  No real vision or sense of directorial ownership.  In other words, the director made no difference, the movie probably would have been the same had it been directed by anybody else.  So i dont know how to feel about this director.  Could he have made CLOVERFIELD an even more important film had he injected his own personal directing style?  Did he do that already and we just cant tell because he HAS no style?  We'll just have to wait and see I guess.  All I'm saying is, why mess with something that is perfectly enjoyable as it is.

Ok, thats all for today.  I'll try to watch some more movies this week and write up some reviews, so keep looking for those.  500 DAYS OF SUMMER opens Friday, so look for a review here on that, and most likely a review of an old movie.  For fun.  

CONSEQUENCES. A PICTORIAL ESSAY.

Here are some consequences that I have recently suffered.  All the pictures included below are real and unaltered in any way, and were shot by me.

This is what you get when you order a MEDIUM drink at a place that only has LARGE and SMALL drinks on the menu.

This is what happens when you order a subscription to Electronic Gaming Monthly.

This is what you get when you order EIGHT cupcakes with only TWO people present.

This is what happens when I feel that you are drunk enough that you might throw up in my car on the way home.

PS, I added a nifty SEARCH bar to the left, so you can now search ALL my articles for content in case you need to find an article but forgot when it was posted!  And if you're me, you can recall your own damn articles yourself and not be caught off guard when somebody quotes your reviews and you don't get the reference.  Thanks to Pat for the inspiration for the new addition.

Public Enemies. A review.

I've been meaning to update my blog this week with something other than a movie review but frankly, it's been a little tough.  More articles will come, soon, so please just stay patient.  I'll try my best to write something new this week for everybody, until then here's my review for PUBLIC ENEMIES.

I'm sure you are all aware of my extreme attraction to Michael Mann's HEAT, so for that, his new film PUBLIC ENEMIES was always going to be great in my mind.  But was it?  I wouldn't say great, but it's definitely one of the more enjoyable films so far this year.

This film is certainly rich with story and characters, only they all just appear, all of a sudden.  Most of their backstories and motives are never really explained, they just are, and they just do.  Which is fine, except with a film about one of the most notorious, elusive, and mysterious criminal minds in American history, I expected a little bit more.

It seems as though the director's goal was to somewhat ground all the myths around John Dillinger and the way he lived.  And in the film, Dillinger is not as mythical and mysterious as all the stories you've heard may lead you to believe.  That's all well and good, but we needed more, we needed to see what sets Dillinger so far apart from other gangsters like Baby Face Nelson and Al Capone.  What makes him so unique that he warrants a two and a half hour movie?

The film takes place during some of the most significant events in Dillinger's life, and each event is played out so naturally, it'll feel like you are watching a documentary.  All of the standoff/gunfighting scenes feel so real, and place you so close to the action you might catch yourself flinching at some gunfire.  And though the movie is about two and a half hours long, it really felt like every scene of the movie needed to be in there.  This movie doesn't leave you with a lasting echo in your brain when it ends (like HEAT does), but it does fulfill your needs for a highly entertaining gangster epic that audiences have not seen in a long time.  And one that's truly worth seeing.

Oh no you di'int. A review.

A strange thing happened to me when I was watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  I wanted to leave.

It wasn't immediately, though.  It came later on, when the comic relief became so excruciating that I thought to myself 'nothing has been, or probably will be, so severely cool that I need to sit through this'.  And had it not been 2AM on a Tuesday, I might have left.  But I didn't.

I am not writing my review with the intentions that you will not see this move, even though nothing I can write will keep ANYBODY from watching this movie because it is so greatly anticipated, I am merely writing it to help you set your expectations.

First off I LOVED the first Transformers movie.  Many people criticize the first movie because its story and plot weren't as high a caliber as it could have been, but so what.  This was the first live action Transformers ever, it could have been Optimus Prime tuning a violin for 3 hours and I would have loved it along with everybody else.  So for the first movie, they could get away with that stuff.  They thought they could commit the same crime twice with Transformers 2 and get away with it but they couldn't.  Despite its flaws I liked Transformers 2, just not as much as the first movie, which I hold as the superior Transformers movie.  I won't go too much into the plot and spoilers but I will say a a few things that made me want to leave the theater;  1. The main villain is supposed to be so evil and powerful, but he DOESNT DO ANYTHING until the very end.  2. There are two new 'twin' Autobots that are so transparently racially stereotypical its painful to watch, and they are supposed to be the comic relief.  NOBODY in the theater laughed when they were on screen, and I could feel the entire audience collectively cringe at once everytime they spoke.  3. WAY too much time is spent with the human characters, and they all are just shouting goofy one-liners.  ALL of them.  If they had cut 50% of these scenes and turned them into dialogue and interaction within the Autobot team, this would have been one amazing Transformers movie.  And one that would have been hard to top.  I could go on, but I try to stay positive, and since this is a Transformers movie, it gets special treatment.

BUT, there were parts that were just plain awesome.  The fight scenes are 10x better than the first movie, and there were a few moments in the movie where I literally threw my arms up and cheered, much to the dismay of my girlfriend who was sitting next to me.  One of the gem/fanboy scenes that were included were scenes of bickering between Megatron and Starscream.  At one point Megatron actually pushes Starscream to the ground and stomps the hell out of him.  Great additions.

When Transformers Revenge of the Fallen is good, its WAY GOOD.  But when it's bad, you're going to have to challenge yourself to sit through it.  And it's going to be a tough challenge.  But if you have the strength, you're in for a giant ride.  All the things that Transformers fans could want is in this movie, but you have to fight through a lot of excess to reach it.

Fair Deal.

OK, so as you know, as you should have read on my blog, my favorite magazine EGM (Electronic Gaming Montly) was shut down abruptly leaving myself and hundreds of others out to dry. And like myself, hundreds of others still had issues due to them as part of their paid subscription, I think I had at least 6 months left in my subscription when the mag went under. Well, good news comes today that all remaining issues due to EGM subscribers will be sent to them...in the form of issues of MAXIM. Thats right, they are going to reimburse my subscription with MAXIM magazines. This makes sense, I'm going to make a wild guess and say that a vast majority of the readers of EGM were males 16-25 which would be the target audience of MAXIM, and they are both owned by the same publisher. Cool, sounds fair to me, sounds better than being paid out $5.27, since I only paid $9.99 for an entire years subscription. Only thing is my subscription was sent to my mom's house...boy will she get an awkward surprise when she checks the mail this week. And the next 5 or 6 months.

DELAY/PROJECT TZC-001

FIRST, I apologize for keeping this space vacant for quite a while now.  I sort have been skipping over my blog for a few weeks in favor of facebook.  My bad.  Well, I'm back now and I can only say that the absence of articles wasn't for nothing.  For the past couple of weeks/currently I am  working on a top secret project that I cannot yet reveal.  Rest assured I'll be dropping some clues and info to you all when I am able to, right here on the blog.  For now lets just call the project TZC-001.  All I can say at this time is check out my Zazzle store, it might have some...items of foreshadowing.  And no, the Zazzle store is NOT the project.  Thats just something I do for fun and out of spite.  

E3 DAY ONE: MICROSOFT CONFERENCE

DAY ONE at E3, no I'm not there, I'm at home watching the G4 coverage live.  Today is the Microsoft Conference, tomorrow will be Sony and Nintendo.  I am a little biased because I don't own an X360, but thats not to say I don't like the console.  I just don't own one.  So I apologize if some of the games mentioned don't sound too exciting, I'm sure they are fine but I more than likely wont be playing them.  Please also visit some of the gaming sites that I read, to get different opinions on todays announcements, and in case I forgot some games or announcements:

1UP.COM

IGN.COM

BITMOB.COM

GAMESPOT.COM

THE GAMES:

BEATLES ROCK BAND; VIDEO/DEMO.  The conf. opened with the opening cinematic from The Beatles RB which looked amazing.

MODERN WARFARE 2; VIDEO/DEMO.  Gameplay in a snow environment.

JOYRIDE; VIDEO.  XBLA download, uses avatars to race in a Wacky Racers/Crash Team Racing style racing game.

TONY HAWK RIDE; VIDEO.  Gameplay includes using a skateboard peripheral that is similar to the Wii Balance Board.  

FORZA MOTORSPORT 3; VIDEO.  

FINAL FANTASY XIII; VIDEO/DEMO.

SPLINTER CELL CONVICTION; VIDEO.

LEFT 4 DEAD 2; VIDEO.

HALO 3 ODST; VIDEO/DEMO.  Essentially Halo 3 but played as an ODST instead of a Spartan, so you have access to different tech such as visors and weapons.  It is a breath of fresh for sure, but I'm not sure how long the sensation will last, since the game is set right before Halo 3, it seems like you wont be treading any new waters. 

HALO REACH; VIDEO.  Multiplayer Beta available with purchase of Halo ODST.  HALO Prequel.

ALAN WAKE; VIDEO/DEMO.  Survival horror only with a novelist as the main character.  Looks very good, very scary.

XBOX LIVE:

LAST.FM ON XBOX LIVE.  Seems cool but if you have an ipod touch/iphone and a good sound system, kinda useless.

NETFLIX ON XBOX LIVE. 

ZUNE VIDEO.  1080P VIDEOS, no downloading necessary, instant stream to console, THE DARK KNIGHT was demoed.   

FACEBOOK.  Post in-game screenshots straight to Facebook.

TWITTER.  WHY DID THIS GET A BIGGER RESPONSE THAN FACEBOOK??  Just stupid.

!   METAL GEAR SOLID  !  METAL GEAR SOLID RISING ANNOUNCED.  Yes, it's on Xbox 360.  Starring Raiden.

YOU ARE THE CONTROLLER - Project Natal.  

Video.  IMPRESSIVE.  Uses full body motion capture to control games and applications.  A sensor bar similar to the Wii sensor bar is mounted near the tv and captures the players movement.  Tech demos in the video included a fighting game, racing game, game show game that showed off voice recognition.  They even showed off a girl talking to her friend through XBLA and dressing themselves like on Clueless.  The technology can be used to simply scroll through the XBOX360 menus, movies just by sliding your hand.  SPIELBERG shows up and reveals that HE HIMSELF is involved with Project Natal, has been for 10 years!!?!  In his own words "its not about reinventing the wheel, its about no wheel at all..."  This technology could be the nail in the Wii coffin...

The demo plays...  Facial recognition signs the user into their account.  MOST IMPRESSIVE.  Demo of 'Ricochet', dodging on screen balls using full body control, are able to move in a fully 3D space, moving forward or backward.

Demo of 'Paint Party', painting on a canvas, uses voice recognition to change the colors that you are using.  The gamer shouted 'Light Blue' and his paint bucket changed to light blue.  The gamer can pose and by saying 'cheese' the game will take a picture of the pose and create a stencil of the image which you can color.

Video of 'Milo'.  A strange video game boy, who can interact with the gamer.  Creepy at best, but revolutionary no less.  Able to recognize emotions and tone in voices.  Interacts with the game in a non scripted manner.  This kid in the game has AI.  Yup, he decides what to do and what to say on his own.  This video MUST be seen.

This is not a game.  This conference just took a step from gaming, to life.  This technology both astonished me and frightened me.  I immediately thought of MINORITY REPORT, where everything was motion controlled, using motion without touch to control cars, video players, and computers.  And now its here.

This is a smart move for Microsoft.  What makes Wii so successful is its playability, its ability to have people pick up and play and to connect gamers young and old, hardcore gamers and non gamers.  What gave it that appeal was the motion control utilized by the Wii remote.  What Microsoft has figured out is that it wasn't the CONTROLLER that people loved, it was the CONTROL.  The ability to use movement to play a game.  They even said "..controllers have been our biggest barrier", its safe to say that he was referring to the Wii Remote.  By effectively removing the remote you have body movement, no equipment to familiarize with, no buttons t memorize, just you.  This is big.  Suddenly Nintendo's Wii remote 'Motion Sensor Plus' add-on seems worthless.  I hope Nintendo has something better than that up its sleeve for tomorrows conference...