NERDS IN PARADISE
If you know me then you know I love video games, LOVE video games. I'm kind of an event guy when it comes to games, if theres any high profile game coming out soon im involuntarily attracted to it. So theres a game called BIOSHOCK 2 that just came out, and I could not wait to play it. I loved the original BIOSHOCK and have been waiting patiently to acquire the new one. It was about 1 week away from the day it was scheduled to come out and my brother and I went to a SHMAME SHTOP to pick up a game. As I walked in I saw a promo poster for a BIOSHOCK 2 midnight release and I got excited. I'm a huge fan promotional events for releases or store openings, and useless free swag. Over the years I've attended 'Free Comic Book Day', opening day to THE PHANTOM MENACE, Gay Pride Festival, a grand opening to a MaxIt pawn shop, and plenty of parking lot events with bungie launchers and free mountain dew sponsored by radio stations. SO if I could get the game as early as possible AND possibly get free stuff, I was gonna show up. I walked over to the only person working at the game store, who happened to be a girl. A nerd girl. This girl had Nintendo tattoos all over and looked like she knew a lot about games, so naturally I let down my nerd shield and walked over to her to ask about the midnight release.
Think this, but EVERYWHERE.
SO I walk to the counter as shes ringing somebody up and answering some other nerd's question and I ask, "What's going to happen at the BIOSHOCK midnight release?". Without even looking up she says, "I don't really know..." and makes the most disgusted face. I let my nerd guard down for a girl who I thought had my back, but instead says "Hmm, I dont know, you fuuuckin nerd, you get the game then go home and ignore your girlfriend?". She didnt say that but pretty much. I hope I didnt offend her in some way by acknowledging that she worked at a video game store and asking her a question. Would've been nice if a dude had been working there to warn me that this game chick was hardcore. Oh well, I learned my lesson; no matter how convincing they may be, NEVER let your nerd guard down for any girl. Even girls who watch Heroes and play Halo. Because when you tell them you still haven't "Caught them all", or explain how SPIDER-MAN 3 was shit, or sing along to a Weird Al song and they give you that blank yet terrified look like youre gonna ask them for help loading a couch in your van then trap them in, you'll regret it, and your first edition Charizard card can't rescue from that shit. Keep your inner nerd where it belongs, tucked deeply away, like that Ruy headband I got for free with Street Fighter IV, and only revealed to those who understand. And if you see that girl at the game store who hates men, or possibly just non-Nintendo games, tell her I plan on getting a new tattoo myself...
I GET THAT A LOT
Recently I discovered that I lived next to a certain bar that has sand in it. My friends and I had been visiting this bar for a few weeks now and decided to go back one weekend. It was Me, Sabrina, Jeepsus, Nick the Ginger, and The Spear. We went to this bar with sand, and everything was going hunky dory, we were talking, drinking, people were spilling things, all was going well. Then the girls at the bar decided to take pictures in front of our table, and Jeepsus decided to photobomb them. For those who dont know, Photobombing is the art of sticking your face, dick , or leg into the background of some unsuspecting bastard's photo as they are taking it, thus bombing the photo. So Jeepsus stuck his face in the background of some dude and drunk chick taking pictures and this chick thinks its HILARIOUS. And she begins talking to Jeepsus, probably about how funny he is, so he talks to this chick for a while. Meanwhile myself, Sabrina, Nick the Ginger, and The Spear are all just kicking it at the table, waiting for Jeepsus to either get this girl to dance or make fun of her and so far neither has happened yet. Then it happens. This girl looks at our party, looks straight at me, POINTS, and says "RAYYY!!!". Of course refering to Ray Romano and my supposed likeness to him. Things almost got Snooki.
An example of things getting all "Snooki".
Don't know what getting "Snooki" means? Don't watch Jersey Shore? Me neither, so here is a different translation I think most of you will understand.
Yeah that's it. That's the image. THAT played in my brain at that moment. I have never wanted to punch a girl so bad in my life (that week). Not to say that punching a girl is ok, It's NOT. But punching a BEAST, thats a different story. I picked those two pictures for a reason, the ONLY difference between them is the background and the direction of the punches. The creature being punched remains unchanged. But worry not huckleberries, I didn't punch anybody that night. I wouldn't have even been that mad if she hadn't laughed like she had just seen Oprah Winfrey backflip onto a group of midgets painted like M&Ms, which she DID. As mad as I was, I couldnt stay mad. Because I was simply the victim of instant Karma. EXTREMELY instant Karma, almost Drive-Thru Karma. I'll Explain.
Earlier that night I had seen a dude who looked JUST like that guy on SUPERBAD who goes to some party to use the phone then gets his ass kicked. And I told EVERYBODY. I made it my mission to soft shoe around everybody at my table and alert them AT LEAST twice about the dude from SUPERBAD who was at our very own bar with sand in it. I may or may not or may have also sneaked a picture of him to prove to my friends that he existed. So when I remembered all that, it was impossible for me to stay mad at drunk girl because I had just done the same thing that very night. And I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it, she was drunk and excited, and possibly high. But still, I'll always remember that night as the night I almost successfully Hadukened for the first time in human history, at the bar with sand.
Until next time...
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