THE DORK KNIGHT RETURNS.

Well, I've returned. Its been just about a month since my last article and a lot happened since then. I moved out, filed my taxes, got ZOMBIELAND and GHOSTBUSTERS on bluray, and made tacos. And then for a long time, nothing happened. BUT, there were a few notable things that happened that I'd like to share with you, and here they are;







NERDS IN PARADISE

If you know me then you know I love video games, LOVE video games. I'm kind of an event guy when it comes to games, if theres any high profile game coming out soon im involuntarily attracted to it. So theres a game called BIOSHOCK 2 that just came out, and I could not wait to play it. I loved the original BIOSHOCK and have been waiting patiently to acquire the new one. It was about 1 week away from the day it was scheduled to come out and my brother and I went to a SHMAME SHTOP to pick up a game. As I walked in I saw a promo poster for a BIOSHOCK 2 midnight release and I got excited. I'm a huge fan promotional events for releases or store openings, and useless free swag. Over the years I've attended 'Free Comic Book Day', opening day to THE PHANTOM MENACE, Gay Pride Festival, a grand opening to a MaxIt pawn shop, and plenty of parking lot events with bungie launchers and free mountain dew sponsored by radio stations. SO if I could get the game as early as possible AND possibly get free stuff, I was gonna show up. I walked over to the only person working at the game store, who happened to be a girl. A nerd girl. This girl had Nintendo tattoos all over and looked like she knew a lot about games, so naturally I let down my nerd shield and walked over to her to ask about the midnight release.

Think this, but EVERYWHERE.

SO I walk to the counter as shes ringing somebody up and answering some other nerd's question and I ask, "What's going to happen at the BIOSHOCK midnight release?". Without even looking up she says, "I don't really know..." and makes the most disgusted face. I let my nerd guard down for a girl who I thought had my back, but instead says "Hmm, I dont know, you fuuuckin nerd, you get the game then go home and ignore your girlfriend?". She didnt say that but pretty much. I hope I didnt offend her in some way by acknowledging that she worked at a video game store and asking her a question. Would've been nice if a dude had been working there to warn me that this game chick was hardcore. Oh well, I learned my lesson; no matter how convincing they may be, NEVER let your nerd guard down for any girl. Even girls who watch Heroes and play Halo. Because when you tell them you still haven't "Caught them all", or explain how SPIDER-MAN 3 was shit, or sing along to a Weird Al song and they give you that blank yet terrified look like youre gonna ask them for help loading a couch in your van then trap them in, you'll regret it, and your first edition Charizard card can't rescue from that shit. Keep your inner nerd where it belongs, tucked deeply away, like that Ruy headband I got for free with Street Fighter IV, and only revealed to those who understand. And if you see that girl at the game store who hates men, or possibly just non-Nintendo games, tell her I plan on getting a new tattoo myself...

I GET THAT A LOT

Recently I discovered that I lived next to a certain bar that has sand in it. My friends and I had been visiting this bar for a few weeks now and decided to go back one weekend. It was Me, Sabrina, Jeepsus, Nick the Ginger, and The Spear. We went to this bar with sand, and everything was going hunky dory, we were talking, drinking, people were spilling things, all was going well. Then the girls at the bar decided to take pictures in front of our table, and Jeepsus decided to photobomb them. For those who dont know, Photobombing is the art of sticking your face, dick , or leg into the background of some unsuspecting bastard's photo as they are taking it, thus bombing the photo. So Jeepsus stuck his face in the background of some dude and drunk chick taking pictures and this chick thinks its HILARIOUS. And she begins talking to Jeepsus, probably about how funny he is, so he talks to this chick for a while. Meanwhile myself, Sabrina, Nick the Ginger, and The Spear are all just kicking it at the table, waiting for Jeepsus to either get this girl to dance or make fun of her and so far neither has happened yet. Then it happens. This girl looks at our party, looks straight at me, POINTS, and says "RAYYY!!!". Of course refering to Ray Romano and my supposed likeness to him. Things almost got Snooki.

An example of things getting all "Snooki".

Don't know what getting "Snooki" means? Don't watch Jersey Shore? Me neither, so here is a different translation I think most of you will understand.

Yeah that's it. That's the image. THAT played in my brain at that moment. I have never wanted to punch a girl so bad in my life (that week). Not to say that punching a girl is ok, It's NOT. But punching a BEAST, thats a different story. I picked those two pictures for a reason, the ONLY difference between them is the background and the direction of the punches. The creature being punched remains unchanged. But worry not huckleberries, I didn't punch anybody that night. I wouldn't have even been that mad if she hadn't laughed like she had just seen Oprah Winfrey backflip onto a group of midgets painted like M&Ms, which she DID. As mad as I was, I couldnt stay mad. Because I was simply the victim of instant Karma. EXTREMELY instant Karma, almost Drive-Thru Karma. I'll Explain.

Earlier that night I had seen a dude who looked JUST like that guy on SUPERBAD who goes to some party to use the phone then gets his ass kicked. And I told EVERYBODY. I made it my mission to soft shoe around everybody at my table and alert them AT LEAST twice about the dude from SUPERBAD who was at our very own bar with sand in it. I may or may not or may have also sneaked a picture of him to prove to my friends that he existed. So when I remembered all that, it was impossible for me to stay mad at drunk girl because I had just done the same thing that very night. And I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it, she was drunk and excited, and possibly high. But still, I'll always remember that night as the night I almost successfully Hadukened for the first time in human history, at the bar with sand.

Until next time...

500 Days Of Spider-Man

It started like this; Sam Raimi, the director of the first 2 SPIDER-MAN movies, was given the chance to direct SPIDER-MAN 3, logically. So he accepted, and wanted the villains to be Sandman and Hobgoblin. Well Sony, the studio who owns SPIDER-MAN wanted the main villain to be VENOM, kind like the rest of the fans. Raimi protested, and admitted that he was not a fan of Venom as a villain and did not think he could properly translate him to film. Sony didn't care. So against his will Raimi worked VENOM/Eddie Brock into the story, while still keeping his own two villains in tact. Well this imposed a struggle upon Raimi, trying to make a film that he wanted to make, and at the same time keep it from becoming a movie he DID NOT want to make. Well, we got SPIDER-MAN 3. Due to the strong negative opinions of fans, Raimi decided to never put himself in that situation again. That he would only make a movie if his whole heart was in it, and not battle with the studio and producers to keep his film from becoming somebody elses.

Well Sony wanted to make SPIDER-MAN 4, and offered Sam Raimi the job. Rami agreed, seeing this as an opportunity to make a new SM movie that can make up for what he did in SM3. Then Sony played the same crap and had all these provisions Raimi had to follow in order to make the movie, and Raimi quit. And so did Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, and everybody else that was involved with the film.

Sony made the quick decision to rewrite the already written script into a 'reboot' of the franchise and hire an all new cast and crew to start SPIDER-MAN fresh. And today Mark Webb, director of this summer's surprise success 500 DAYS OF SUMMER, signed on to direct THE NEXT 3 SPIDER-MAN MOVIES. Is this good? Is this bad? A little of both, but for now, I'm leaning on the good. Although I personally didn't enjoy 500 DOS as much as everybody else, but it had solid direction. Visually it was very impressive, even marvelous they way everything looked and how certain scenes were handled. Webb has a way of bringing out those 'odd' emotions that aren't as standard as 'happy' and 'sad'. But at the same time, the man has little to no experience with action scenes, and some of the most amazing action scenes came from the Spider-Man movies.

It's rumored (and assumed) that Sony is going with a 'Batman Begins' style reboot. Hopefully that DOESNT mean that it will be a real world, gritty, serious drama and instead means that they develop the characters and then reveal the superhero half way during the movie. Whether we get a good or bad movie, we will definitely get a fresh Spider-Man movie under a talented up and coming director, and a superhero movie that I can't wait to see.

In Case You Missed It: ED WOOD

TIM BURTON.  The man behind BEETLEJUICE, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, and BATMAN, to name a few, made a movie in 1994 called ED WOOD about a man named Edward D. Wood Jr..  Most people have never heard of the movie because they never heard of the man.  Well, Ed Wood was a director who made some of the worst movies of all time.  How can they be that bad?  Go on YOUTUBE and search 'PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE' and you find out.

The movie ED WOOD focuses on Wood as he makes his first movie, GLEN OR GLENDA and eventually makes his most famous film, PLAN 9.  The movie stars Johnny Depp and Martin Landau.  Lets start there.

Johnny Depp stars as Ed Wood, a man who is doing odd jobs to make a living in hopes to one day live his dream and become a film director.  Martin Landau stars as infamous actor Bela Lugosi, who you know as DRACULA.

Ed Wood, like many of us, has one person that he considers his hero.  One person that he idolizes.  That person is Orson Welles.  Welles is one of the greatest directors of all time, and changed movies forever when he made CITIZEN KANE in 1941.  Welles was 26 years old.  At the time of the movie Ed Wood is just over 30, and hasn't made a movie yet.  By chance and good luck, Wood gets to direct a cheap B movie for a sleazy studio and it sets Wood on his path of movie directing.  Johnny Depp plays Wood as a very eager, optimistic man who talks like he knows what to do,  but hasn't a clue.  Wood simply doesn't have talent, but somehow can talk his way into getting big actors and big budgets to get the ball rolling on each new film he conjures.  No matter how absurd the plot (and titles) of his films, they get made, and released.  He even befriends and directs Bela Lugosi, who's role as DRACULA cemented his fame as Hollywood gold forever.   Wood also has a very peculiar personality trait that is at the center of the film that I wont discuss because it takes away from the experience,  but when you see it, you'll know what it is.

Just as much as this movie is about Ed Wood, its about Bela Lugosi.  Well, the final years of Bela Lugosi.  When Wood meets Lugosi, he is living in a small home in California and all but done making movies, mostly because nobody will hire him.  Wood, incessantly amazed by Lugosi and his acting, gives him roles in his films which makes Lugosi rediscover his confidence and talent.  Martin Landau got an Oscar for this film and he deserved it.  If you didn't know before seeing the movie that this was Landau, you would have never known.  He perfectly captures all of Lugosi's mannerisms and speech patterns to become him in this film, but never makes him a 'character', he portrays him as the man he was.  Even if it seems slightly odd, thats the man Lugosi was.  I honestly think that you will feel more for Bela Lugosi than Ed Wood in this movie, and thats not a bad thing.

This movie looks like it was filmed in the 1960s.  All the lighting, sets, costumes, and music have the feeling like it was filmed during the time of the movie, the lighting especially in Bela Lugosi's house looks like he lives in a 1960's horror movie.  Yet somehow it looks and feels like a Burton movie.  That's maybe due to Tim Burton ALREADY having movies that look like they're from another time, at least this one is the most practical.  In its own weird way, ED WOOD is about living your dream no matter how strange or impractical.  Following in the footsteps of his idol Ed Wood makes movies that he created and he makes them his own way.  Despite having little to no talent, struggling to find money and actors, and ultimately creating laughably bad movies, he did exactly what he wanted to and he was happy with that.  ED WOOD shows you that one way or another, you can never give up living your dream.

TRAILERS: CLASH OF THE TITANS; KICK-ASS; AVATAR

CLASH OF THE TITANS; IGN.COM

This is an remake of a classic stop-motion/live-action movie by Ray Harryhausen.  Usually when movies like this, that are remakes of classics, only bad news follows.  But when actors like Sam Worthington (the only good part of Terminator Salvation) and Liam Neeson (whos occupations include Jedi, Darkman, Batman mentor, and lion.  To name a few.) are set to star, then THIS trailer comes out, something good is bound to come of it.  In the short trailer you see a great deal of special effects and don't really get to know so much about the story, but what do you really need to know?  Sam Worthington fights Greek gods, and epic doses of awesome occur, thats it.  Maybe I just have a weak spot for Greek Mythology, but by the looks of this early trailer, people should really dig this movie.

KICK-ASS; TRAILERADDICT.COM

A comic-book based movie, believe it or not.  Kick-Ass looks kinda like a cross between GHOST WORLD and WATCHMEN, in terms of style anyway.  Hopefully people won't be too 

worn out by superhero movies yet because this movie looks like a breath of fresh air.  Half comedy/half violence KICK-ASS shows what it's like when people decide to become superheroes in the real world, with no powers but (seemingly) real villains. Our hero looks battered and bloody as he receives beatings as equal as he gives them, maybe signaling that this movie will be more on the 'real world' side of being a faux crime fighter.

AVATAR; APPLE.COM

THIS IS the trailer you need to see if you don't have any desire to see this film, because afterwards you will.  This trailer offers more about the plot within AVATAR's much hyped special effects, which as I said before is at its core "Pocahontas In Space".  And also you get to see some James Cameron trademarks that make its way into this film; a strong female soldier (actually 2 this time), a corporation bent on its own self survival, a conflicted main character, and of course, a relationship that probably shouldn't be going on.

Most of the hype around this movie has been contained within the internet, where it almost always is, and the commercials on TV are specifically made for audiences (TV ads during last weeks football games only had war scenes in them, ads during prime-time shows had more romantic scenes) to showcase that this film will have something for everyone.  Im gonna go with the TV ads on this one, by the looks of this trailer the movie can be enjoyed on a lot of levels.  Will it be the greatest movie event ever?  Probably not, but who cares.  This is still a movie to be excited for, and the last big movie event of the year.  ILL be there at IMAX on opening weekend.

The Last Man On Earth (To Get Netflix)

WOAH. Sorry for the delay. First let me explain, I finally got NETFLIX and I have it streaming to my PS3, and it's AWESOME. I know I'm probably the last person in civilization to get it, but it wont stop me from singing it's praises. That all ties into this because now I'll have more old movie reviews written quicker, which by the way im changing the article title from "Movies You Haven't Seen" to "In Case You Missed It", it just sounds nicer.

Also, I've been working on a writing project that I will post on this blog VERY soon, I'm just making final edits and trying to think of an appropriate title. Once all that's done, it'll be posted right here for all to enjoy, at which time I'll fully explain what it is exactly. So, thanks to all my readers for being patient and checking the blog for new updates while I've been away from it working on stuff. It always makes me feel good when someone tells me that they enjoyed something that I've written, or when someone reminds me to update with a new article. Updates are coming, for serious this time.

NEW REVIEWS!

HELLO, this weekend I was able to see 4 different movies in 3 different days (I'm counting the Toy Story double feature as 2 different movies). So check out the reviews below and let me know if you agree or disagree, I wrote full reviews for PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and ZOMBIELAND that you can read in the articles below, but here I'll write a mini-review of TS1&2 because I'm almost positive EVERYBODY has already seen them both...

TOY STORY DOUBLE FEATURE in 3D. A QUICK REVIEW.

A double feature in 3D that shouldn't be missed. These movies are great because it is the epitome of the Disney film, it makes you feel like a kid again. The 3D isn't anything groundbreaking, although it does add an interesting depth of field and really puts all the characters into perspective as toys in a giant environment. Also seeing both movies back to back, there is a very noticeable difference in the CG in the movie, TS2 looks much more real by adding imperfections to all the toy characters, be it dirt stains, fading paint, or pinstripe hair lines they all add to the realism of what children's toys actually look like. If you can stand wearing 3D glasses and sitting next to 150 kids for almost 3 hours, this is definitely a excellent chance to rediscover 2 movies you forgot you enjoyed so much.

ZOMBIELAND, A REVIEW.

ZOMBIELAND is an odd mix of film that surprisingly works. When its funny, its FUNNY, when its scary, ITS GRUESOME. The story follows a group of people wandering in a world that is infested by zombies somehow. What's good is that the story doesn't waste time trying to explain HOW all this came about, it instead uses that time to show how the characters have adapted to this new zombie world. Because really when the first 4 minutes of the movie show a woman getting attacked by zombies and being launched from her car, smashing her face on the pavement and scraping across 8 feet of asphalt, you dont really care about the reasoning behind it.

The plot of the movie is kinda thin, the real reason for watching this movie is the characters. Each character offers up their own solutions for dealing with life in ZOMBIELAND, and thats where the story comes from. The characters are far more interesting and funny than the actual storyline ever could be. We find out what each person lost, and what each person is looking for, and thats the real story here, not the semi-road trip plot that the movie almost goes into.

Also there is an absolutely fantastic, hilarious, and geektastic surprise in the movie that I will not say anything more about other than that. If you see this movie knowing more than that, when it happens, you will be angry with yourself if you knew about it beforehand. And trust me, when it happens you'll know exactly what im talking about.